I Tried All the Sex From Fifty Shades Darker

Two years ago, I did all the sex from Fifty Shades of Grey in one weekend and now I’m back to do it again with Fifty Shades Darker, because apparently I hate myself and also my husband. These books really teach you things about yourself, you know?! I must note that we did not attempt some of the sex scenes, but that’s mainly because none of my friends would let me have sex on their boats, and, also, I don’t know anyone with a boat. Help me, I’m poor.

 

THE ICE CREAM

Saturday, 9 a.m.

In the book:

He takes another spoonful and lets the ice cream dribble onto my breasts. Then with the back of the spoon, he spreads it over each breast and nipple.

Oh … it’s cold. Each nipple peaks and hardens beneath the cool of the vanilla.

“Cold?” Christian asks softly, and bends to lick and suckle all the ice cream off me once more, his mouth hot compared to the cool of the ice.

How we did it: I love ice cream and so does my husband, so our two-day Fifty Shades Darker bang-a-thon was off to a great start! I was like, “Tie me up with one of those ties I bought you that you never wear, and then slather ice cream all over my body parts, and let’s do it!” and that’s what we did. The cold sensation from the ice cream and freezing spoon was a bit jarring on my nipples at first, but other than that, it was the *tits*. I get why people are into putting ice cubes on their nips; it’s a very lovely sensation! Then, my husband paused to eat a little ice cream (OK, he ate half the container; I was like, “Brah, I’m tied up here; let’s go!” but he insisted this is what Christian Grey did and so who was I to argue?).

After he was done with his ice cream feast, he went down on me and his mouth was cold at first, which I also dug, but after just a few seconds, it was hot again, so just normal oral sex. Which is always great. I’m not sure why there are other sex acts when oral sex exists. It’s so good. You know what’s not so good though? Cleanup. Between the sticky vanilla ice cream and various bodily excrements, it was grody. Christian Grey’s maid must really hate him. I mean, can you imagine cleaning the Red Room? I’m gagging. But other than that, it was off to a great start and we got to eat ice cream for breakfast. E. L. James knows what’s up!

BABELAND/COSMO

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